STRESS AND SLOWING DOWN AND “DOING IT ALL”

Fuck, just as I am writing this I am freaking out… Getting back from tour/travelling is always bittersweet; I love where I live; the grass is just as green as anywhere else, and I miss Suzanna, my canine best friend, amazing family and friends, and my records, writing/reading spaces, our comfy couches and wood-stove, going to the Y, riding my bike, hanging out at the Laundromat, and the ease of preparing healthy food in our kitchen, as opposed to the challenge of raw-on-the-road.

But, fuck, if I am not lonely!  Like how a break-up, or a sleeping partner somewhere else for a while leaves you feeling a bit odd and uncomfy when you have to sleep alone, it’s these first couple days that fuck with me.  I look around and hate all of the space around me.  I feel disconnected and separate.  6 days of only being concerned with basics; “what to eat, where is there room to sleep, how can I clean myself, where can I masturbate?” And being forced into working together and sharing, and feeling like you are a unit of a traveling punk-mass-glob-on a mission, to your solitary life.

I have opportunity, and don’t need to feel isolated; I live with 6 other amazing people and 2 dogs, so I am not alone.  I fiercely love my solitude, but it needs balance.  I crave and strive for that healthy balance of living a life of interconnectedness, and doing lots of stuff together, and having the care and love to give space and make room for personal needs.  And it’s funny how I have the opportunity to change things, but I don’t.  I could meet my needs if I was a better communicator, and ok with being turned down.  I definitely feel socialized in 2 ways; one, an egoic thing, of not wanting to be rejected, and feeling like I am needy and dependent if I do ask for something.  As a result, I shut up and don’t voice my needs, and even go out of the way to deny myself in fear of being too selfish.  And the second way is some learned path I have followed that says you should live your own life, to each their own, and lots of messages about taking care of yourself, not asking for help, and that being a very respected thing.  Like, “you make your own lot in life” and such…

I love the idea of not fucking over other people to survive and thrive, but it is a shitty other end of the spectrum when you don’t ask for support and when you fall into the mode of that and maybe find yourself slow to give assistance to others.  I imagine this slope that slides into selfishness in a gradual and smooth way, so as not to alarm you as to the isolated, lonely way you are going about your life.  All the while, the space you need and hard work that you do to support your self becomes this mode of expectation for these comforts that you very well could not only do well without, but maybe are hindering and restricting your life.  This is all under the assumption that you are freeing yourself with financial security and other comforts (I think of digital entertainment, spending a lot of time alone in a room with a closed door.) but maybe truly you are pushing yourself out of connection with others, and you’re left with a feeling of emptiness or unfulfillment.

I go to sleep in my big room and see the space on each side of me, and miss the past 6 days where we had to arrange our bodies like Tetris pieces, where we had to pack very little and eventually get rid of stuff just to fit in a minivan.  The times where people are making out on top of your legs, and we share space, time, and so many aspects of our lives that are “private” under normal circumstances.  While we may complain in the moment, we look back and laugh.  Can we learn to laugh in the moment?  I think that is a skill, that once learned, could prove ultimately incredibly fulfilling.  I have hit on it, and I know others who have, and we are committed to “getting there”, which means practicing it right now, and keeping on remembering to do so.  As some possible stress-inducing moments came up on this past trip, I laughed in the moment, wanting to treasure it and see the good in it, instead of hating it while later on telling stories in groups of friends and reflecting on it in an enjoyable way.  So many stories that I have heard that I look at in awe; “It was not fun when it happened!”  And that’s when it’s funny to me when exaggeration comes in, and that shitty time becomes known as an adventure.  I don’t know exactly how to transform the present moment, so that our stresses can feel more like adventures, but I know how important it is, and I want these laughters to be had more quickly, and I don’t want to take out my frustrations on my friends and family any more.

With more space and more time to do more things, I feel anxiety.  I don’t know how to simplify down, and I don’t like the thought of not doing all the things I love.  God damn, it times like this, I cannot fathom the idea of boredom.    And holy shit, distraction.  Here at the library I just went thru a billion computer changes and quirks and my time is running out.  Trying to time crunch, multi-task, do all the things I love, and desperately wanting to simplify and slow down.  Can there be a mix of insane “go-go-go!” and piles of projects with sitting in some grass or snow and breathing slowly and deeply, doing nothing else?  I am trying to find that.  Speaking of which, I think I have forgotten to take a breath today…

p.s. – I really wanted to proofread and make this more readable.  Next month! And sorry I’m late and thanx to Claire and ryan for doing the site and for this opportunity…

In Johnny Cash’s biography, he talks about this pain that he gets in his body. The book was written  five years before he died so of course he‘s gonna have pain in his body. He was an old man. But what he does when he gets this pain is this: he lays down in an empty part of his house, or tour bus, and lets his mind take him away to a spot in Alaska he once visited where two rivers meet. To him, this is his calm place.

I have a calm place. I have several, actually. I’m always trying to collect them. One of the places is in Shereen and Shahla Taheri’s grandma and grandpa’s backyard in Hastings, by the river. I was there a couple of years ago for one of their cousin’s graduation party. It was just so peaceful and relaxing and as I layed in the grass, I felt like nothing was wrong in the world.

Another place of mine is a made up place–I pretend i’m in a field. Sometimes it’s just acres and acres of grass, sometimes its wheat. It’s always a little breezy, but warm. I’m always laying on my back, with my arms behind my head. Its totally quiet and nothing is bothering me.

When I get panic attacks, I try to think of these places. It helps to imagine myself there so that my brain gets sidetracked and forgets that i’m having a panic attack.

My best moment was when I was in rochester, NY for a punk fest. My friend John drove all the way up from Florida in order to hang out with me that weekend. Of course he tried to brush it off at the time, saying that he was already planning on visiting his family in Yonkers, NY and that he “might as well stop in rochester along the way and visit.”

John and I had admitted that we had crushes on each other not too long before that, so we were super excited about seeing each other.

The night we met up, we slept in the basement of this big punk house . We were freezing to death on the hard cement floor with a thin blanket for both of us, which wasn’t the ideal romantic setting.

There was this little weird half-room off to the side that some dude was sleeping in that night. We found out when we woke up that it had a mattress in it! So we immediately starting planning out how we were going to snatch this “room” away for the next night before anyone else could.

So the fest played on all day, and after it was done, all the punks piled into their vehicles and made their way to the house. John and I raced over there and snatched that room up quick before anyone else could. This was going to be great. More blankets had made themselves known, including a heater lap blanket that we made up on the mattress.

This was the “calm place” of all other calm places I have stored away in my head. I’m laying on this bed, with the heater blanket keeping me cozy. No one else is in this room* except for John, who is peaking out the door for other room-predators. The mattress was actually really comfortable. I was really happy to be there with John too. And I said “I’m very comfortable right now” outloud, but I wished there was a bigger word for it because it was the moment of all moments and it just didn‘t come close enough to how i felt. It could possibly be the happiest moment of my life. It’s up there, definitely.

To you, it may not seem like that important of a moment. Of course I could never show you or  help you feel everything I was feeling at that moment, but just be assured that it could definitely compare with your happiest moment. It had the strength to combat any panic attack or sleepless night or bad day I could have.

I called up John last night after I read that part in Johnny Cash’s biograph about his calming place.  I told him about that moment, to which he said he liked that it meant a lot to me because he was in it, and then he told me one of his happiest moments. It’s something in the way you know these little things about a person that really makes you appreciate them.

*Actually, one of the dudes from The Ergs!  tried really hard to sleep in the little room with us, but we wanted to makeout and stuff later, so no amount of love for his band was going to persuade us enough to let him sleep in there with us.

well here it is 2012 and i’ve got some big plans.
i made a list and typed it up real nice and hung it up next to my bed. but alas, i think the real answer is to BE MY OWN BOSS.

do you do this? do you know someone who has?
what’s the trick? what’s your niche? i wanna know i wanna be a part of it.

conversations have been popping up all over town, the internet, and my days in general. how can we NOT work in the service industry anymore? how can we put our talents to use? how can we gain momentum as artists and inventors without losing our minds and eating only weeds we find in our yards forever and ever.

but it is so so easy to get content and stagnant. i am lucky to have a job (at all) that i feel safe at, get paid above minimum wage, and have a flexible schedule that works with my artsy fartsy community organizing self. and while i am there i am generally in a positive mood. but it wears me out to the core. and i’ll say it : my time is worth more than handing people water and smiling when they snap at me to get them more coffee.

and i’ll put an extra limb out there and guess your time is worth more than that too.

so i am interested in starting a dialogue. why do you do what you do, work where you work, and how is your time spent? share this with me, and others. if there was a time to take hold of what we want, it’s now. it was yesterday.

i can rationalize why having a day job is a good idea forever and ever. consistent income, something to shape my days, and money in the bank. but etsy and ebay exist, so does pay pal, and so do my weary hands.

i’m ready to make more, do more, and have more time to do what i really believe in. i don’t want to see my time wasted, or the time of other artists who i really believe in.

fake it til you make it. get rich or die crafting. feel bo$$y.

This is my take on the punk versus metal debate, the punk vs. the world, and maybe the kid who likes black metal a little too much.

I love all kinds of music, Hank Williams is the fucking king. Elvis is all right, but sings like a lap dog compared to Big Mama Thornton. Slayer got me through high school, and dish washing gigs. The underground shows I get to throw myself around like a fool at, give me something to wait around for. And gotdamnit, when I am at those shows its the only time I don’t say the words, “I’m bored.”

The debates last month on this site was that, Punk is better than Metal Growing up in Podunk with long hair and a taste for fast, thrashing music, I knew metalheads. And got shit for minor threat patches, scratching four bars on everything and generally not liking guitar solos.

The debate for metalheads against the punks is they don’t know how to play their instruments. The debate punks have against metalheads is that they play to long of solos.

Republicans against Democrats.

I love both. But cant stand certain aspects of both.

And to the following two paragraphs, I already know I’m a judgmental bastard.

Punks always have this holier than thou attitude. Majority of them are so pissed off or so cool they never have any fucking fun. The holier than thou ‘tude can come through diet, taste in music, or way of life. Anything you got, they can one up, one down, or dumpster. Shut up and headbang dudes, and misses.

Metalnerds, never leave there houses and backwood towns. The marijuana intake may have something to do with this. The ethic and the thought of the bands, are play once a month locally, get signed, and tour once their signed. They’re premadonnas on stage and usually tell lame jokes once they get the microphone.

But if a band can play like Exodus, I don’t give a fuck, I’m thrashing all around.  If the doom band sounds like Eyehategod, I’m getting all my aggression out through my metal face. Or if its doom in the way of a butt baby, birthed from Tony Iommi’s left hand I’m cumming in my denim.

And as I’m writing on this site, you can probably tell Circle Jerks, Dead Milkmen, and Descendents have been on a few mixtapes I have made.

I’ll always have my music, I will never try to change the taste of another, and I will always keep my ear out for the next thing. I love the people who make music, and I love the people who follow it, support it, document it, and worship it. However they do it, why ever they do it.

There’s no doubt that our way of life can’t last. If you chose to look, the signs are everywhere: large scale species extinction, ecosystem collapse, and global warming – just to name a few of the most obvious. We are literally changing the way the planet works and millions of years of natural processes are being reversed so that we can drive across the country. It’s more or less inevitable that at some point in the near future, our way of life will end: there simply aren’t the resources to keep it going indefinitely.

You would think that in light of this, we might be talking about making changes to make this transition a little less catastrophic. But of course the system doesn’t work like that and for those with power in society – and the great majority of us who benefit from this way of life – that conversation isn’t going to happen. Sure, you might see some talk of increased “energy efficiency,” “alternative fuels,” or “green capitalism” in the news or from left/liberal groups, but that’s about it. And no amount of caulking, insulation, or solar panels are going to be able to “save” this way of life.

When confronted with the reality that there are a finite amount of resources that need to support a way of life that is built on the myth of infinite growth, those with the most in society have turned to increasingly insane ideas:

FRACKing: Across the United States, many folks depend on natural gas for heating. It’s often portrayed as a “clean” energy technology (after all, “natural” is in its name). But like all of the resources industrial civilization is built on, it exists in limited quantities. For years, geologists have known about natural gas resources trapped in rock formations (such as shale) but have been unable to extract it. In the past few years, energy companies have come up with a new process – hydraulic fracturing (also called “FRACKing”) – that makes it possible to extract the gas. The process involves pumping millions of gallons of water (withdrawn from water sources people and animals depend on for drinking), sand, and chemicals underground and blowing apart the rock to release the natural gas. Each time the rock is blasted, 4 to 9 million gallons of water are pumped into the well (with each well able to be blasted 10 to 12 times). This water is mixed with chemicals and the industry isn’t required to say specifically which are used, but many known to be used are carcinogenic (one study found 95% of the chemicals had adverse effects). The waste water used in the process frequently seeps into the ground water thereby threatening whole ecosystems and in other cases the waste is stored in giant pits above the ground. You can read more about FRACKing at  HYPERLINK “http://frackaction.com/”http://frackaction.com/ FRACKing is done in Michigan and you can read more about statewide efforts aimed at stopping it at  HYPERLINK “http://dontfrackmichigan.com/”http://dontfrackmichigan.com/

Mountaintop Removal Mining: Perhaps because pumping water and toxic chemicals into the ground isn’t immediately visible, manypeople can ignore it (at least until the toxins in their water give them cancer). Another highly destructive process that has begun is Mountaintop Removal Mining. The process is used to extract coal from mountains in Appalachia to fuel power plants that provide people with electricity. Mountaintop Removal Mining begins with the “clearing” of the mountaintops: clearcutting treess, removing vegetation, and removing topsoil. Next, millions of pounds of explosives are used to blow the tops off mountains (sometimes as much as 500 to 800 feet) to expose the coal seams. The coal is then removed using a massive machine called a dragline (it’s 22 stories high) that coal companies prefer because it eliminates the need to hire hundreds of workers. As the digging is completed, waste from the mining operations is dumped into adjacent valleys burying streams and contaminating water sources. The coal that is extracted from the mountains must be “washed” and cleaned, generating considerable amounts of wasterwater and sludge which is stored in flooded valleys behind earthen sludge dams. These dams have a tendency to leak and further pollute the water. Moreover, in areas where Mountaintop Removal Mining takes place, there is increased flooding. Not surprisingly, regulations and laws aimed at requiring coal companies to “reclaim” the mined area tend not to be enforced and companies are frequently given exemptions. You can find out more at  HYPERLINK “http://ilovemountains.org/”http://ilovemountains.org

The Tar Sands: The largest industrial project in human history is currently underway in Canada. In Alberta, oil companies are mining the Tar Sands to extract oil from sand and clay located beneath the boreal forest. The oil is bitumen – a substance that looks and smells like tar. Unlike traditional oil reserves, the oil doesn’t flow and it must be gouged and steamed out of the ground. Producing a barrel of Tar Sands oil generates between 2-3 times as many CO2 emissions as traditional oil refining. Moreover, it’s been estimated that for each barrel of oil invested in extracting Tar Sands oil, only 3 are generated (compare this to Iraq where for each barrel used, 100 are obtained). Additionally, as many as five barrels of water are used for each barrel of oil produced. Tar Sands oil extraction is driving the second highest rate of deforestation on the planet. Along with the destructive oil extraction process, Tar Sands oil is driving the expansion of a network of massive pipelines from Alberta to the Gulf of Mexico designed to transport the oil. The pipelines will (and in many cases already do) run across vast portions of the United States and put much of the country at risk for oil spills (witness the 2010 spill near Battle Creek, that was Tar Sands oil). Tar Sands oil is more corrosive than traditional oil and is mixed with natural gas and pumped at a higher temperature and pressure, increasing wear on the pipelines. For more information  HYPERLINK “http://oilsandstruth.org/”http://oilsandstruth.org/

Needless to say, none of these projects are going to stop themselves. While particularly stupid, they are logical within the context of this system. The system has needs (growth, resources, etc) and it will do whatever it has to satisfy those needs. No government, law, regulation, or environmental nonprofit is going to stop them. Instead, something much more is needed.

“Civilization is not redeemable. This culture will not undergo any sort of voluntary transformation to a sane and sustainable way of living. If we do not put a halt to it, civilization will continue to immiserate the vast majority of humans and to degrade the planet until it (civilization, and probably the planet) collapses. The effects of this degradation will continue to harm humans and nonhumans for a very long time.” – Derrick Jensen, Endgame

I recently discovered NoBunny and Hunx and his Punx, and I might be behind the times on this one, but both have been playing in my head.
My favorite local release would have to have been the Deercave Demo.
There was a bunch of great grindcore bands that came through, one of my favorites shows would have to have been the Crowsfoot, Cloudrat, and Nothing but Weeds show at the thunderdome. (I think it was called Clit Fest?)
White Mystery came through to a couple of times this year, and there always fun to hang out with and listen too.
Despot played a couple of killer house shows.
There were a couple of great shows at Freyling, but then we remember why we sing all those song’s about authority, Other houses in the area brought up the slack, I know I attended shows at 33 eastern, ethel, and that other house in easttown that had snuggle and crackbox)
The thunderdome took over where the cage left off. And the pyramid scheme is great if you want to pay money to be locked in. (only applies to minors)
Speedtrials worst bands is out at your local stores.
I traveled to Buffalo Ny, and found out that house venues can exist! We definitely need more venues and more people welcoming in touring bands. I also saw a lot of good rock n roll bands from that area. (mayday!, Lewd Dudes, The Narcs, and KDC)
10.    Mountain Goat, Mountain Goat, Mountain Goat. I love this band. They represent
what a Grand Rapids Band should be. They play really hard and have a lot of fun,     and are not afraid to talk to every single motherfucker they saw headbangin.

Overall I believe Grand Rapids has got a great base coat. But now we need to start writing our names all over that paint job. Everyone knows each other, and everyone appreciates the music, so lets all get together and be all awkward. So happy holidays don’t buy any loved ones gifts, we are your family, everyone pitch in on a Christmas tree and a generator. Lets burn the tree and have a generator show.

Whenever I get in one of those moods, I like to think of the song “Up The Punks” by Ghost Mice

Check out a video with the lyrics below – it’s a great song for anyone that feels frustrated

Lyrics:

What have we done?

What have we done?

Are we making any changes or just having fun?

What have we done?What have we done?

Is this more than just music?

Is it more than just a club?

Are we making any difference?

What have we done?What have we done?

What have we done?

Well just take a look around and I’m sure that you’ll agree

That we’ve done a lot of things to improve community

Like organizing protests and serving Food Not Bombs

Sending books to all the prisoners that’ve been locked up for so long

Throwing bricks through all the windows of the evil corporate shops

Supporting mom and pop and standing up to the murdering, racist cops

Seems like we’re always talking about the things that we do wrong

But let’s not forget to talk about the things that we’ve done

I know we’ve got our faults and I must say that I agree

But punk rock music saved my life, I can sing it honestly

Sometimes it may seem like we haven’t done anything

But I think that we made it a little bit better than it was

That’s why I sing and I’ll ask you to sing with me

Up the punks

Up the punks

Up the punks

Up the punks

Up the punks