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LIVE FAST, DIE… YOUNG? ;

STRESS AND SLOWING DOWN AND “DOING IT ALL”

Fuck, just as I am writing this I am freaking out… Getting back from tour/travelling is always bittersweet; I love where I live; the grass is just as green as anywhere else, and I miss Suzanna, my canine best friend, amazing family and friends, and my records, writing/reading spaces, our comfy couches and wood-stove, going to the Y, riding my bike, hanging out at the Laundromat, and the ease of preparing healthy food in our kitchen, as opposed to the challenge of raw-on-the-road.

But, fuck, if I am not lonely!  Like how a break-up, or a sleeping partner somewhere else for a while leaves you feeling a bit odd and uncomfy when you have to sleep alone, it’s these first couple days that fuck with me.  I look around and hate all of the space around me.  I feel disconnected and separate.  6 days of only being concerned with basics; “what to eat, where is there room to sleep, how can I clean myself, where can I masturbate?” And being forced into working together and sharing, and feeling like you are a unit of a traveling punk-mass-glob-on a mission, to your solitary life.

I have opportunity, and don’t need to feel isolated; I live with 6 other amazing people and 2 dogs, so I am not alone.  I fiercely love my solitude, but it needs balance.  I crave and strive for that healthy balance of living a life of interconnectedness, and doing lots of stuff together, and having the care and love to give space and make room for personal needs.  And it’s funny how I have the opportunity to change things, but I don’t.  I could meet my needs if I was a better communicator, and ok with being turned down.  I definitely feel socialized in 2 ways; one, an egoic thing, of not wanting to be rejected, and feeling like I am needy and dependent if I do ask for something.  As a result, I shut up and don’t voice my needs, and even go out of the way to deny myself in fear of being too selfish.  And the second way is some learned path I have followed that says you should live your own life, to each their own, and lots of messages about taking care of yourself, not asking for help, and that being a very respected thing.  Like, “you make your own lot in life” and such…

I love the idea of not fucking over other people to survive and thrive, but it is a shitty other end of the spectrum when you don’t ask for support and when you fall into the mode of that and maybe find yourself slow to give assistance to others.  I imagine this slope that slides into selfishness in a gradual and smooth way, so as not to alarm you as to the isolated, lonely way you are going about your life.  All the while, the space you need and hard work that you do to support your self becomes this mode of expectation for these comforts that you very well could not only do well without, but maybe are hindering and restricting your life.  This is all under the assumption that you are freeing yourself with financial security and other comforts (I think of digital entertainment, spending a lot of time alone in a room with a closed door.) but maybe truly you are pushing yourself out of connection with others, and you’re left with a feeling of emptiness or unfulfillment.

I go to sleep in my big room and see the space on each side of me, and miss the past 6 days where we had to arrange our bodies like Tetris pieces, where we had to pack very little and eventually get rid of stuff just to fit in a minivan.  The times where people are making out on top of your legs, and we share space, time, and so many aspects of our lives that are “private” under normal circumstances.  While we may complain in the moment, we look back and laugh.  Can we learn to laugh in the moment?  I think that is a skill, that once learned, could prove ultimately incredibly fulfilling.  I have hit on it, and I know others who have, and we are committed to “getting there”, which means practicing it right now, and keeping on remembering to do so.  As some possible stress-inducing moments came up on this past trip, I laughed in the moment, wanting to treasure it and see the good in it, instead of hating it while later on telling stories in groups of friends and reflecting on it in an enjoyable way.  So many stories that I have heard that I look at in awe; “It was not fun when it happened!”  And that’s when it’s funny to me when exaggeration comes in, and that shitty time becomes known as an adventure.  I don’t know exactly how to transform the present moment, so that our stresses can feel more like adventures, but I know how important it is, and I want these laughters to be had more quickly, and I don’t want to take out my frustrations on my friends and family any more.

With more space and more time to do more things, I feel anxiety.  I don’t know how to simplify down, and I don’t like the thought of not doing all the things I love.  God damn, it times like this, I cannot fathom the idea of boredom.    And holy shit, distraction.  Here at the library I just went thru a billion computer changes and quirks and my time is running out.  Trying to time crunch, multi-task, do all the things I love, and desperately wanting to simplify and slow down.  Can there be a mix of insane “go-go-go!” and piles of projects with sitting in some grass or snow and breathing slowly and deeply, doing nothing else?  I am trying to find that.  Speaking of which, I think I have forgotten to take a breath today…

p.s. – I really wanted to proofread and make this more readable.  Next month! And sorry I’m late and thanx to Claire and ryan for doing the site and for this opportunity…