Scabburger and Xtra Vomit took off to Lansing last Sunday to record for each of our upcoming releases, and I was deep in thought on the way home about my friends. I have always loathed the phrase “Just friends” and the idea of friends taking a backseat to a significant other. The veto power of the couple always frustrated me, and while I understand that two people in romantic love might be extremely close and have an intense connection, platonic friends can most definitely share that, and it was a bummer seeing my friends and myself take the backseat to the more important “relationship” (implying that is the most important kind of relationship, thus being referred to as if it was the only relationship). My critique of the words might sound like nitpicking, but it’s interesting to identify words and how they came about, and why they may still be common place in many people’s every day language. I started to see the correlation of referring to being in a romantic/sexual relationship as being in “a relationship”, and of other friends getting the back seat, maybe till the couple broke up and they needed their friends again. I’d laugh, “I’m in tons of relationships!”  Knowing that it’s not a huge problem using this kind of language, but just that it is an interesting indicator of where we place our friends. I started to realize how important it was to me to never shirk my friends and run to them. This made it feel totally ok to ask 3 great friends to come hold me while I bawled my eyes out on one of our Tuesday soup nights about a year ago. Everything was great after that, and I have been a pro at bottling things up in the past, but seeing the harm that can do, it was exciting to be secure enough to be insecure (ha) in front of others. It helps that it was 3 totally supportive people, and they know that in the future I will be and have been that for them.  I think a lot about all the intense things I have shared with people. I think about notes, pies, letters, drawings, lyrics, records, patches, shirts, bands, beaches, bicycles, all of these random things that remind me of things my friends did for me. Sometimes I will be around something extremely negative, and I basically shut the voice out, ignore it, and put the thought of past experiences or future dreams with friends and family and I transcend the ugly situation around me and I just stand there and smile, very content and happy. I don’t like the past too much, and here is why I started the column: to talk about new friends and capacity. I feel like my capacity to learn and love is limitless. I just finished reading this book on how to “quit your job and become a superhero” and they were talking about how it is estimated that the average human being uses 2% of their brain capacity. Wow. I used to have a more narrow perception of love, which makes sense that along your time alive, you begin to learn more and develop more knowledge with the experiences you have. My idea of love was of physical affection for one, and the rest are sort of in the shadows in nearly every aspect, and I would talk to my friends about my girlfriend, wondering things. This changed as I started to see the incredible importance and enjoyment from total honesty and communication. Of course at times honesty isn’t enjoyable, but it is very stress relieving to me of that unsaid burden that gets lifted away once I/we speak what’s truly on our mind. Also, having the best friends ever has made me really start to see how important it is to never take them for granted, treat them like shit, and put them below a significant other. This led to extreme closeness with friends that sometimes led to a physical closeness or sexual relationship, and sometimes we were both clear it was better to remain platonic. My ideas of love changed, and my friends ruled even harder, as our relationships expanded and evolved and I saw that only time in the day was the only limit. And while this was a fun challenge to the stale idea of monogamy, which I never knew what that word meant, but that was the only relationship model I was ever presented with, and discovering along the way that not only did I not like the framework, but that I didn’t want any framework, and didn’t have to, besides ideas and comforts me and partner at hand agreed on. This was much more fun, though not always, and challenging norms and conditioning can (and did) fuck with your heart and head, and even make you feel miserable at times, and shit I wish I could insert a favorite killer quote of mine about the greatest things occurring with severe, trying, difficult circumstances ever present. But you get the idea, tough times can prove rewarding.

So basically, love is getting redefined, to this day, as I am curious where I stand on certain issues now, and always will take things as they come along. Making my OWN model, based on excellent, radical communication, blowing past the complaining with the guys bullshit I have been around my whole life. Locker room talk, kitchen gossip, whatever, whether I was playing high school basketball or working in kitchens, I feel like I’m constantly around lying, insecure dudes. Are they lying to me and looking super mega tough or are they lying when they say “I love you, babe” on the phone to their lady who’s life just simply could NOT go on without them. Ha.

New friends, capacity. Ha.

“A.D.D.”

Riding back from Lansing, I was happy to be becoming friends with the Scabburger crew, and it made me think of my fellow Xtra Vomit bandmate whom I’ve only know a couple years and have gotten super close to, of my Lansing friends who became SO important SO fast, that instant connection, of Mt. Pleasant friends, who I feel like I’ve known my whole life… And it’s all so terribly exciting and I realize that I haven’t forgotten about any old friends, and once again only the 24 hour day is the time limit, and “nothing is fucked” (hee hee) and I love them as much as ever and am as patient as ever for when I happen to see them, be it once a year, or once a week. A friend of mine whom I am wildly resilient to growing apart from (well I am with a lot of them, but when you don’t feel the shared passion, it’s tough to follow it up much) have set aside a day a week where we meet up. Planning our lives around each other is important, I love new friends and old friends and my time is expired here….