More by: Claire

In terms of the western notions of love and commitment I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I find myself wondering how it is that I can be surrounded by so many “free thinkers”, or “anarchists” or whatever, yet rarely come into contact with anyone who questions their socialization into ideas about what it means to love someone or to be committed to someone. Ideas rooted in the belief that anything outside of a heterosexual monogamous relationship is somehow illegitimate or lesser. And while the majority of my peers (I hope) would most certainly deny that they believe heterosexual relationships to be superior, when it comes to monogamy, most are unwilling to question their own practices or acknowledge alternative practices. Having been in an “open relationship” for almost six years now I find myself wondering how it is that more people don’t realize that the common prescription for what a relationship should be according to western standards isn’t working, and while I’m not saying that “free love” or “non-monogamy” or whatever you want to call it is the only answer I am saying that more than 50% of heterosexual monogamous relationships end in divorce and to me that means we desperately need change.

I find it absolutely fucking disturbing to be around people who identify with radical politics and who react with anger or jealousy when their partner converses with a person of the opposite sex (a glaring double standard in my eyes as the person most certainly would not care if their partner was talking to a person of the same sex), or has the audacity to tell me my relationship is inferior to theirs. While I am well aware that for many people I am the only person they know who is in an open relationship and that means I probably will forever carry the burden of explaining over and over again what they means and doesn’t mean, I wish more would take the time on their own to question or criticize the way they view their partner or their relationship. Additionally, I wish more would take the time to examine their relationship practices in the context of what it actually means to exercise control or possess another person, especially individuals who protest all other forms of control and fucked-up-ed-ness in their lives.

Being in an open relationship is absolutely the most difficult and most rewarding thing I have ever done in my entire life. The most common response I get (besides appalled horror) is “that sounds great but I could never do that” which I find to be somewhat humorous. At 17 years old, freshly moved out of the suburban prison that was my previous 16 years, my partner asked me if I wanted to be monogamous, a notion that up until that point I had never considered to be a choice. I entered into an open relationship with the hope that I would find something that I hadn’t found before, and I did. As the years have gone on my relationship has changed in many ways, but I am incredibly proud of the work my partner and I have done in overcoming the insanely patriarchal ideas of what it means to be in love and what it means to be in a relationship. Being in an open relationship means that you simultaneously have a main partner while having emotional or physical relationships with other consenting people short and long-term. It’s not all about fucking. It’s about the realization that we are all complicated human beings with a multitude of desires and needs that cannot possibly be satisfied by one person forever.  It’s about honesty, freedom, and questioning a system put in place to keep us in line. It’s about continuing to free ourselves from the ideas perpetuated by those in control and build communities and partnerships based on honesty and love.

What it comes down to is this. Monogamy is easy, blind acceptance is easy. Breaking free from the fucking prison of monogamy and ownership within a relationship is HARD. Jealously is real, jealousy is constructed, and jealously is painful. But jealousy can be unlearned. No matter how many time someone tells me they could never overcome their jealousy I will stand by my belief that monogamy and jealousy are fucking diseases that destroy love and perpetuate control and ownership, and if I can work to overcome it, you can too. How many people do you know or how many relationships have you been in that have been unhappy controlling nightmares? I’m most certainly not perfect, my relationship is not perfect it has problems just like any relationship but at least I can be sure that I am working towards something better and something hopefully more honest and sustainable than the relationship standard I have been socialized into.

I sometimes find the best way to make this point is to draw attention to the fact that in our society “cheating” or “adultery” is more socially acceptable than open-relationships and people who engage in open-relationships are seen as more threatening and dangerous than people who engage in dishonesty. It is my hope that if you’ve made it through this lengthy column you perhaps will have new insight into your own relationships or alternatives to them. Let’s keep the dialogue going, nobody is right or wrong in this situation unless they refuse to question their own practices and strive for a better future.

I need to reiterate: OPEN RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE. I’ve seen people attempt to be in open relationships for the wrong reasons entirely. Open relationships aren’t only about sex. They are about breaking free from fucked up standards of love and commitment. I am not saying open relationships are the answer, in fact I have no idea where my own relationship will lead, what I am saying is to question ideas of normalcy and question where your relationship values come from and what they mean in terms of power and control over other people. I am not saying monogamy is definitively wrong, but to prescribe to it blindly and without questioning it is, and until we can allow others to be free we will never be free ourselves.