STRESS AND SLOWING DOWN AND “DOING IT ALL”

Fuck, just as I am writing this I am freaking out… Getting back from tour/travelling is always bittersweet; I love where I live; the grass is just as green as anywhere else, and I miss Suzanna, my canine best friend, amazing family and friends, and my records, writing/reading spaces, our comfy couches and wood-stove, going to the Y, riding my bike, hanging out at the Laundromat, and the ease of preparing healthy food in our kitchen, as opposed to the challenge of raw-on-the-road.

But, fuck, if I am not lonely!  Like how a break-up, or a sleeping partner somewhere else for a while leaves you feeling a bit odd and uncomfy when you have to sleep alone, it’s these first couple days that fuck with me.  I look around and hate all of the space around me.  I feel disconnected and separate.  6 days of only being concerned with basics; “what to eat, where is there room to sleep, how can I clean myself, where can I masturbate?” And being forced into working together and sharing, and feeling like you are a unit of a traveling punk-mass-glob-on a mission, to your solitary life.

I have opportunity, and don’t need to feel isolated; I live with 6 other amazing people and 2 dogs, so I am not alone.  I fiercely love my solitude, but it needs balance.  I crave and strive for that healthy balance of living a life of interconnectedness, and doing lots of stuff together, and having the care and love to give space and make room for personal needs.  And it’s funny how I have the opportunity to change things, but I don’t.  I could meet my needs if I was a better communicator, and ok with being turned down.  I definitely feel socialized in 2 ways; one, an egoic thing, of not wanting to be rejected, and feeling like I am needy and dependent if I do ask for something.  As a result, I shut up and don’t voice my needs, and even go out of the way to deny myself in fear of being too selfish.  And the second way is some learned path I have followed that says you should live your own life, to each their own, and lots of messages about taking care of yourself, not asking for help, and that being a very respected thing.  Like, “you make your own lot in life” and such…

I love the idea of not fucking over other people to survive and thrive, but it is a shitty other end of the spectrum when you don’t ask for support and when you fall into the mode of that and maybe find yourself slow to give assistance to others.  I imagine this slope that slides into selfishness in a gradual and smooth way, so as not to alarm you as to the isolated, lonely way you are going about your life.  All the while, the space you need and hard work that you do to support your self becomes this mode of expectation for these comforts that you very well could not only do well without, but maybe are hindering and restricting your life.  This is all under the assumption that you are freeing yourself with financial security and other comforts (I think of digital entertainment, spending a lot of time alone in a room with a closed door.) but maybe truly you are pushing yourself out of connection with others, and you’re left with a feeling of emptiness or unfulfillment.

I go to sleep in my big room and see the space on each side of me, and miss the past 6 days where we had to arrange our bodies like Tetris pieces, where we had to pack very little and eventually get rid of stuff just to fit in a minivan.  The times where people are making out on top of your legs, and we share space, time, and so many aspects of our lives that are “private” under normal circumstances.  While we may complain in the moment, we look back and laugh.  Can we learn to laugh in the moment?  I think that is a skill, that once learned, could prove ultimately incredibly fulfilling.  I have hit on it, and I know others who have, and we are committed to “getting there”, which means practicing it right now, and keeping on remembering to do so.  As some possible stress-inducing moments came up on this past trip, I laughed in the moment, wanting to treasure it and see the good in it, instead of hating it while later on telling stories in groups of friends and reflecting on it in an enjoyable way.  So many stories that I have heard that I look at in awe; “It was not fun when it happened!”  And that’s when it’s funny to me when exaggeration comes in, and that shitty time becomes known as an adventure.  I don’t know exactly how to transform the present moment, so that our stresses can feel more like adventures, but I know how important it is, and I want these laughters to be had more quickly, and I don’t want to take out my frustrations on my friends and family any more.

With more space and more time to do more things, I feel anxiety.  I don’t know how to simplify down, and I don’t like the thought of not doing all the things I love.  God damn, it times like this, I cannot fathom the idea of boredom.    And holy shit, distraction.  Here at the library I just went thru a billion computer changes and quirks and my time is running out.  Trying to time crunch, multi-task, do all the things I love, and desperately wanting to simplify and slow down.  Can there be a mix of insane “go-go-go!” and piles of projects with sitting in some grass or snow and breathing slowly and deeply, doing nothing else?  I am trying to find that.  Speaking of which, I think I have forgotten to take a breath today…

p.s. – I really wanted to proofread and make this more readable.  Next month! And sorry I’m late and thanx to Claire and ryan for doing the site and for this opportunity…

Do you know that pang of feeling that you get, that you could believe if you wanted, and a lot of people do, but isn’t how you really feel, it’s just a feeling, one of a bajillion that crash into your brain?  It’s not even that you want to believe it either, it’s just that you could easily be unaware that it is a passing blip of a thought, negatively toxic to your body if you let it sit, infect, and contaminate.  Sometimes it can be very telling, very informative and helpful.  Other times it is like vomit that needs to come up.  Or for us HEALTH NUTS, it’s like a welcomed detox.  You’ll feel like shit for a bit, maybe a few days, but you feel aaaamazing afterwards; some bullshit had to come out, and you are doing a lot better afterwards.  And you gotta get this shit out in a safe space, where you can feel free to vent, process and all without judgement from another.

So you pick your trusted gem-of-a-friend and they’re one who won’t spill the beans to anyone.  Where there’s that trust, and not only trust, but clearly conveyed or understood knowing that “this is just between us.”  Sometimes you gotta say it, and I feel like it never hurts to check in, maybe every time!  Why not?  Countless friendships, romances, family relationships get fucked up cuz someone told someone something that was meant to be private.  I am trying to get into a more solid habit of asking “this is just between us, ok?”  Rather than assuming we both know this has it’s place just between us and being wrong and feeling the burn later.  With some people in my life, this is a given, and they mostly know it’s between us, but with some vulnerable sides I expose, I feel like checking in for me works every time, because confusion happens.  Intentions may be well, but people can still get hurt when stuff that was meant to be private is shared.  It’s a nice reassurance for me that I can spill, and for them that I am trusting them and would like it to not be shared.

So the krap is unloaded, for me, it was this not wanting people to leave thing.  It’s irrational, and most importantly, it is not how I really feel!  So, sometimes you pick you friend, you unload, they rule so they’re there, not judging, just listening and offering advice if you need it.  But sometimes them just listening is all that’s needed.  For me, a thought can seem so legit, and then I voice it, and I hear it and it’s silliness, and BAM just like that, I’m clear-headed.  Just getting the bulllshit out of my head, out of my body, I feel freed.  I feel lighter, happier, and it is what I needed.  Sometimes for me, I get a negative rush of self-destructive commentary; It may say; “Why did you share that?  See how silly it was, this wasn’t important at all.  Just keep it to yourself next time!”  And I sometimes get taken over by that voice, but, to me, and to anyone who relates, I say “You don’t have to believe that voice!”  And more often than ever, I’m seeing this bullshit rise up, and it’s seen for what it is; one member of the mob of negative thoughts that seems to come rushing in on a (sometimes more regular than other times) regular basis.  I feel swell in these moments, I feel great.  I feel healthy and empowered.

My ten year high school reunion happened last weekend, and I chose not to go.  I debated till it was 7 o clock Saturday night, but watching a rom-com by myself at home sounded more fun.  As I looked at the class reunion facebook page, and saw all the people I knew in high school, many with different last names they took on when they got married, I felt many feelings.  There was a sad feeling, one of which was more me, and it was the one that realized that lots of people get married quickly, or get married at all, and that makes me bummed.  Then there’s the kids.  Pro-creating.  This makes me bummed. And this is all bummed in a way of like I’m-fucking-glad-I’m-sterile-and-single-and-I-love-my-life-but-good-for-you-to-each-their-own-and-fuck-patriarchy & the-fucked up-instituion-of-marriage kinda way.  But then I just felt really fucking good about my life, about all the things I value, about how I can’t wait to be a great uncle and babysitter.  I think of how I didn’t date anyone in high school and felt unattractive and bad about myself then, and I see how the high school sweethearts of then now have multiple kids and seem tired as fuck.  Good for them, if they’re happy, and maybe I’d be happy there too, but shit, it’s hard to imagine that being anything not totally suffocating.  I mean to say, there’s all these random crazy thoughts, and learning to weed thru and not believe every one, can prove to be extremely relaxing, liberating, joyous.  Being sucked in for so long has proved smothering and dehabilitating, and seeing it for what it is has been great in it’s own in my life, and I notice the ease of it on my mind and body, which includes better sleep, more energy, more patience… Good things like that.  Seeing that sometimes you don’t have to analyze or DO anything; just the act of noticing seems to be enough.  Not being taken in and absorbed and identified with every negative thought.  Yaay!!!

Fuck, I miss my sister…

So the romance; damn, I don’t know! I start to say “I don’t buy it.” And I fucking LOATHE the idea of getting used to someone, going from excitement to… what’s next? Comfort? That’s nice, but does the excitement have to dissapear? If I could change something about right now, or imagine a future situation, it would be this; a room of us sitting talking about this, me asking any and all of you reading this right now; “What comes after excitement?” “Does excitement have to end?” “If, not, how do you keep it going?” “Is ANYONE able to do this?” I feel like maybe this sounds cynical, both to you, and both to myself as I listen to these thoughts echo in my head, but it seems less cynical then healthy. Like, entering into some romance thing with all the passion and excitement you feel but not placing a heaviness or expectation on it to fulfill any part of you. And when it ends, leaving with smiles, “That was great, I loved sharing that with you, our time’s done.” Can’t we admit that and walk away with a hug, maybe staying in touch, maybe not? That’s what I want, yet at the same time have that lingering dream of someone who just fucking GETS ME. I tend to think it is utter bullshit of me to think that exists, and silly to dream of it, when there is expectation that that dream might or should come true. The dream itself, the fantasy, is fun in itself, just like the few crushes I have right now that I don’t care if anything happens with them. They are fun within the head, and likely are more fun than real life would be, if indeed you catch yourself getting swirled up in the romance, expecting it to make you happy. Can it be just a nice addition, fun for a while? Is that how you find something longing, lasting, fulfilling? No expectation, but continued presence and living in the moment? Is there a true partner, or many that would work? Can you fuck things up with the perfect person, or is there a perfect person that GETS YOU like no one else and nothing can fuck that up? Imagine all of this writing with a grin on my face, lots of laughs out loud, and no expectations for answers.

But I do want to know what you think…

Comment or email me or write me a real letter if you want (those are best of all, REAL MAIL penpals are the shit…) What a fucking dumb culture we live in, where mail that gets to you in a day or two is considered “snail”…

Sock – 1527 6^th St. Muskegon, MI 49441

P.S. – Zounds, Propaghandi, Ratstorm, Deathrats, Dying Fetus, And I Can’t Wait, Bob Barker Youth

I felt so much unhappiness and emptiness within me this past week, it actually prevented me from eating.  I have done many fasts, but never brought about by stress.  Going 3 days with eating almost nothing was exactly what I needed, and as I finished off a glorious meal of a sunflower seed cheez collard wrap, a jar of kim-chi, and a few spirulina coconut haystax, I feel super clear headed.  It’s nuts how fast it changes, from high to low.  But it’s really great to feel calm, accomplished and balanced instead of the scary manic high that ends abruptly and into the pits.

I suppose my point to writing this would be, besides the catharsis/venting of releasing thoughts into writing, to encourage anyone to not be so quick to judge a situation, freak out about it, etc… And at the time of crisis this can sound awfully annoying, but if we can remind ourselves that this will pass, like everything does, maybe we can chill out a bit, and not spin our stories into scary areas that very well may hold no truth at all!  Some awful situations can turn out to be exactly what we need, and resisting life and what is already the case is simply pure fucking torture.  Let’s unlearn this habit.

I myself am in awe of having so many amazing people around who offer so much be it listening, laughing, relating, conversing, hugging, and caring.

“You make the world a better place when you ask for help.”

I’m not sure how many people read this site and I’m not sure who reads these and this particular column, but I write in hopes that folks will find a familiarity in these words. Either within themselves, or within loved ones, or even an enemy. I vision incredible connections and compassion and support, and empathy for others and our own “flaws.” Do you ever feel like something is within your grasp, and maybe once in a while (or maybe only once!) you pull it in, understand, feel fulfilled, but most of the time you just can’t quite get on track? Just like the identified insanity of the anxiety of the unknown, patience, compassion, empathy and interrelatedness with others are all things that I personally can’t quite get straight. Consistency is so admirable to me and so foreign, and the lack and extreme desire for it cause mental anguish often for me. How do you keep growing when at your low points you just are reminded of more misery? Is there a way to be strong and hold onto what you know in your high moments of clarity? It seems so fucking easy to be consistent, and I know it is, but what is to be said for slipping into anxiety hell? Just two days ago, I went thru an anxiety ridden day, and as the evening came and I left a meeting with some of the most compassionate, supportive people I have EVER known, I recognized the total fucking madness that overthinking can be, and is for fucking sure for me. I just keep suffering and returning to moments of clarity. It seems terrible to call it “suffering” when it seems to be so easy to overcome, but I suppose that is my confusion; I can’t quite consitently unmask the facade, and it often carries me away into what seems to be the prison of my brain. My eagerness is to learn skills, use tools to easily and quickly shatter the illusion and come into the balanced, centered person I know I often am, and to be that consistently so I can fucking quit thinking about myself for one goddamn second and be there for others. I have said “I am so fucking sick of myself” a few times in the last month, and I am eager to grow past this hump, learn, as I am, and be the consistent friend, comrade, partner, etc. that I know is so possible, and just right there, sometimes firmly in my grip. We need to form supportive, communitites packed with acceptance and non-judgement. We can learn and grow from each other. We have to. Humans, dogs, cats, the rainforests, the great lakes, tigers, that pond over there; none of it is guaranteed to survive. What is going on right now, what are we doing? Where are we headed, what paths are we on, which ones are we creating? Here’s to harvesting the anger, using that energy to create and produce loving things, not another fucking product, but that which cannot be sold! The passion is there, “Fucking Racist Maggots” my favorite song in the world is on, and I KNOW WE CAN DO IT. Let’s communicate and help each out, and redefine learning and teaching and do it without arrogance and in a self-less manner. What can I learn from you what can you learn from me? The exchange is always there, let’s fucking recognize it and put it into practice. I used to deny that I needed someone to talk to, think it was weak, but I don’t feel that way anymore.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!

1/1/11Holy shit am I psyched! It’s weird, the whole terminology of the “new year” and how different it’s going to be. But 2011 is just the day after tomorrow, and one more day. I always loathed the “weekend warrior” idea, always wanting to pack my life full of intensity ALL the time, and the “new year” is the same as now. Do we sit around and wait for the new year to start with the projects we wanted? What are we gonna resolve to do, which means we won’t do it.  I think the best time is right now. I always have had this mindset that “I will get around to it”, and this is 90% or more of the time doomed to failure. I don’t get around to it. So maybe the solution is to start, like, right fucking now, or for me it works to write it down so I don’t forget. This is if I absolutely can not do it right now.
I am tired of talking shit. In the approximate past 365 days and blur of time, I was pretty damn productive, even though there were many things I did not get done. It’s dawning, on whom besides myself are unreasonable expectations placed? I thought I would FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY do the 6th issue of my zine, Direct Impact, but NO! It has been 5 years and I have heaps of shitty ass writings that I have done. My Think Tank is a rad, intimidating as fuck little corner in my apartment. Cozy, but hellishly intimidating. The stacks of garbage that is piss-poor writing stare at me, paper towers that loom and laugh at me. Folder upon folder of stupid thought after selfish ramble. I go between thinking a personal zine is just a self-absorbed rant and how I really feel; that paper zines are mega important, that I hate the internet, and that I love reading others’ zines. So why would I not do my own? I will. Soon. Ha ha.
I made music I was and AM super stoked on in my bands Positive Noise, Xtra Vomit and Cycles, and am writing more in a new band, Nothing But Weeds. I fell head over motherfucking heels in romantic ooey gooey love. What a huge important event(s), requiring time and work, with trying times, zero regret, and steady growth and insight into myself, and life. I made a few KILLER mix tapes and am deadset on blasting out more. Get a hold of me if you want one. And if you trade me back, I will be elated!
Tours/band time, beach time, bicycling, gardening, farmer’s markets, drawing, friends, iceskating, skiing, sledding, making tons of RAW food, smoothies, mixtapes, reading… I used to find myself worrying about if what I was doing was “the right thing” and if I don’t catch myself, I will slip into it, time and time again. And the creative spark that ignites my head gets so intense, that it has always freaked me out, as there seems to be no high without low, and the crash is inevitable. But shit changed. I started placing myself exactly where I am at the moment, and instead of chasing the creativity and treating it like something to be lost, I now find it rushing into my life. What a crazy discovery that isn’t really crazy at all. It seems like pure insanity to be wishing you were somewhere else than where you are, and the expectation build up is a fucking load to live up to. Blasting ahead with uncertainty, this is the new way. I fucking love it.
PS – so much coming in the way of raw food. catch the wave. look out. feel the buzz.PSS – we need to bring back the motherfucking circle pitsPSSS – damages has new songs have you heard them holy shitPSSSS – sunflower seed cheez – 3 cups ground sunflower seeds. take em out of hte blender. blend 1/2 cup nama shoyu (unpasteurized soy sauce) 1/2 cup lemon juice (fresh!!!!) 5 cloves garlic. enter back in your sunflower “flour”. blend well. dip broccoli or any veggie in it, put it in collard greens, kale, lettuce, or dip fingers in it. geez…