Mostly this has been because I started playing Roller Derby for the Grand Raggidy Roller Girls in March of 2010. Since doing so, I have fallen so in love with the sport that I can barely make time for anything else. I love it with my entire being and it’s a love that’s deep and everlasting. It’s amazing. The women are amazing. The physicality is amazing. I never knew I could push myself so far and that’s amazing. I haven’t been seriously injured and that too, is amazing. All I know is that since I found roller derby I filled a void in myself that I knew was there but didn’t know how to fill before. And even writing about it doesn’t do it justice because Roller Derby has changed everything.

The same thoughts keep running through my head.

Everything that’s happened in the past makes you who you are today? Every day is full of lessons and everything is connected? When times seem bad, they are, but they’ll get better if you believe they will because they have to? As long as you never accept yourself as “good enough” and constantly try to be self-critical and improve yourself you will always move forward and you’ll never be stuck? As long as you never take yourself too seriously? Allow yourself to make mistakes and understand that every “mistake” contributes to who you are, so maybe they’re not “mistakes” at all…?

Seasons change if you live in Michigan and people move away. Lots of people move away. I moved away 0nce. But I always knew this was my home and when I came back I knew I wouldn’t leave again for a long time. Every day that feeling gets stronger. Roller Derby makes me want to stay here more than even I thought was possible. Bartertown and the hope of IMPROVEMENT make me want to stay here more than I thought was possible. Marlee’s right, you should quit things you don’t love. And you should throw yourself into the things you do. Whole- heartedly.  So I am.

The creation and sustaining of this website were an era. And something I once loved. But it didn’t instigate change like I’d envisioned. And it didn’t even dent the apathy I’ve always perceived in this area. Lately it seems like we have to decide whether or not it’s even worth putting effort into anymore, and we will. I have a feeling I know which direction we’ll end up taking. But like I said, EVERYTHING is getting re-prioritized in my life. And the shit that’s been dragging me down is going to change.

Clearly my thoughts are all over the place…

I used to write a lot. Mostly personal stories… a lot about mental illness and medication and doctors and theories and questions. Some about music but mostly super impassioned thoughts that somehow made it onto paper during that period of time. Part of Eleanor Rigby had to do with living away from Michigan for the first and only time in my life. Part of it had to do with moving back to a city that felt nostalgic and hopeless all at the same time. A big part of it had to do with my mental illness.

I haven’t written much since the final issue of Eleanor Rigby. I try and say it’s because I write columns for the site or am in school but that’s not it. I think about it all the time, I really do… I just don’t feel like my words sound sincere anymore. Like it’s all been said before or something. Unoriginal. And even though I know that’s not the point entirely, it’s hard to write about super personal things with the self-conscious feeling that it all sounds regurgitated and self-pitying. So I haven’t.

I write mostly essays now. Sometimes for school, sometimes not. Reviews and letters too. But nothing comes close to giving me that feeling that my writing did back then. I wonder if my age has to do with it, or if it’s not my age, what I’m missing that should be sought out again to fill the space left from that period of my life, and that zine, and those words, and those feelings.

I know I won’t publish another issue of that zine. Not any zine. Just not Eleanor Rigby. It’s become too representative of an era to really be anything but what it was then. Which in retrospect was kind of its nature anyhow. It feels good to have closure though.

The only thing is, lately I’ve been getting that old feeling again. That super heavy-hearted anxious worried headache exhausted reactionary irritable old feeling. and when it gets really bad and I feel like I don’t have enough outlets I think about Eleanor Rigby and wonder what if.

enddd.

But then there’s the things I wish I had time for. Like friends that are outside of my immediate day to day life. Friends that live maybe a half hour away that when I see them for brief periods of time my heart feels like it’s going to burst because I love them and they mean so much to me, but I can’t see them as much as I want to. Or need to for that matter… Family too. If only everyone could work at marie catrib’s and play roller derby with me… then I’d see everyone all the time…

Lastly there’s Bartertown. Which is so close to opening I can taste the vegan shrimp poppers as I’m writing this.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This has been what’s been on my mind lately. Time. And wanting more of it but simultaneously wishing to be less busy and spend more time petting cats and reading books. I’m about to have a two-week vacation from roller derby… let’s go to the beach every day.

Especially when women are assertive.

Many people confuse assertiveness with forms of aggression or irritability even though it’s far from both…

Assertiveness is defined as “a method of communication that is characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person’s rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one’s rights or point of view”.

In my life, assertiveness means learning and deciding about the things I want and don’t want, and sticking to it. It means not biting my tongue when I encounter injustice and not caring who I alienate by speaking my mind.

Assertiveness gets you what you want, which sounds selfish, but is ultimately something many ignore! what do you want? where do you see yourself in the future? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE SOMEDAY? Is the life that you lead one that will take you there? Are things really just going to be “good enough” forever? Though these concepts certainly reach beyond simple assertiveness, they are all derived from the notion that in life, passivity and complacency are the ultimate enemies.

And lately I feel like that’s all I see. Which is fucking tough when all I want is for me to be all that i know I could be, for this goddamn city to be all that I know it could be, for this state to be all that i know it could be, for this country, for this world… I guess I just have high hopes. BUT I FUCKING KNOW IT’S POSSIBLE!!! THIS ISN’T IT!

It’s not easy. Actually it’s really hard. Because speaking your mind, and sticking to your beliefs, and not swaying from them alienates a lot of people. Most people. But in the end it’s worth it.

Last night I felt this so much I thought I would explode. Everything that’s happening in my life right now is a realization of all of these things. I feel it in my bones.

In the wake of recent events in my neighborhood I’ve gotta say, Bartertown is looking better and better every day. It’s the POSITIVE FORCE we need to fight back against an oppressive system and it will accomplish this through community and education, not destruction and misguided dictatorship. Through supporting Barthertown, I will be able to stop worrying that the place I’m eating food at is only serving me vegan food because they have a capitalist mindset, not a true compassion for the movement and I will be able to know that the place I’m eating food at supports all of its workers equally and doesn’t have a hierarchy of power that is absolutely present in every other restaurant in town. And most importantly– is honest. Because let’s face it, honesty and responsibility are not things that are considered top priorities in the restaurant/food world, even though what we put into our bodies and where it comes from means everything.

And everyone’s got an excuse.

Hence my overall attitude of annoyance and irritatedness. Because I’ve lived in this city for going on 8 years and all I ever fucking hear is talk talk talk. And now we’ve got what we’ve all been talking about wanting… literally the EPITOME of all that we’ve been talking about wanting, and it’s going to happen with or without the support of the people that claim to want it. And it’s going to exists with or without the support of the people that claim to want it. And that gives me hope. Because it’s happening.

writing that, in a weird way, almost makes me feel less angry than when I started writing this column… so I think I’ll end with that. but for real— START BEING A DECENT HUMAN TODAY!!!

Which actually doesn’t mean much in the big picture except that confusion and stress are constants and I now have a tiny GVSU alumni pin in exchange for a mountain of student loan debt and the very sustained notion that there’s no way I’m going to get a job in the field of women’s studies/psychology without going to graduate school. for a while. soon.

So I’m here. In the exact same place I was when I started college. Broke and serving tables. But was it all in vain? Were those countless hours all for nothing? I DON’T KNOW! Because honestly I kind of liked being in school. And I was never really there for a diploma. And graduating was kind of a weird by-product of years of feeling torn between my love for learning and my contempt for organized education which seems to be a never-ending battle. Which I still haven’t resolved. I do know that through all the bullshit there were beacons of hope that I encountered while in college that made it seem worth it. Professors that gave a shit, students that gave a shit, people who were finally interested in truly working towards change… and I know they’re still there.

But that doesn’t change how I feel today. Which is in all honesty just kind of weird. Because I’ve finally achieved what I’ve been told my entire life to strive towards, yet I feel my greatest achievements have come outside of the classroom, and really in the end are more important than anything I “learned” the last 19 years in school. But would I have been able to see this had I not gone to college? Was college really just there to make me realize what’s beyond? Would I have seen that if I hadn’t been there? I don’t know these answers. Because all I have are the choices I’ve made. And my diploma. Which still hasn’t shown up in my mailbox. Guess I’m just gonna be in limbo for awhile. I don’t think I’m alone.

In other news, DRAIZE seriously woke me the fuck up the other night. It’s been awhile.

And  so what the fuck does this have to do with me? And lately? I have come to believe after reading more into this notion of psychological resource depletion blah blah blah that somewhere along the way I have allowed my resources to become so depleted that I no longer have them. Or maybe I never had many to begin with. Or maybe I do but I’m so inherently bratty that what I believe to be automatic reactions are really my true self. And if that’s the case I should start looking for a place in the country where I can be alone all day long and read and smoke and adhere to no one’s schedule or wishes but my own. But I hope that’s not the case. And I want to get better. I don’t enjoy feeling annoyed by the people I care about or like I would be better off alone. And I shouldn’t. And I won’t anymore. Or at least I’m gonna try not to. And I swear I’m gonna write more too.

PS- It’s tomorrow and AGNOSTIC FRONT was actually pretty decent though the show had some sincerely scary dudes at it, thankfully who were subdued somewhat by the fact that the venue had DIRTY DANCING playing with subtitles on T.V. screens for most of the show… yeah kinda love you now Lansing.

1. This site was meant to be a place for information about the hardcore/punk/etc. shows and goings-on in West Michigan– most specifically– Grand Rapids. Due to the nature of said events and their inherent tendency towards exclusiveness or just general elusiveness, the idea for this site was born, in hopes of expanding our small scene and hopefully bridging some serious gaps in communication that seem to be the root of the small scene in the first place. For the most part, THIS HAS BEEN VERY SUCCESSFUL! I have been absolutely impressed with the way shows have gone in the last year or so in our area, and very very happy with the direction things seem to be moving, the most important one being the increased DIVERSITY I’ve noticed in show spaces, the types of shows happening, the touring bands that have come through, and most importantly the increased diversity in those attending the shows in the first place. If any of these things can be realized through this site, then it is worth it’s continuation.

2. So the UNDERLYING purpose of the site has always been to promote COLLECTIVE action. In the most general sense that means that through contributions this site can essentially run itself. While obviously moderators are necessary for posting and other up-keep, the more stuff people contribute THE BETTER THE SITE IS AND WILL BE!

These things include:

- Columns

- Photos

- News

- Show Reviews

- Flyers (i.e. for the Michigan archive)

- Information about shows you are doing or know are happening that aren’t already listed on the site

- ETC!

So hey! While I’m on the subject… let me go slightly off topic for a minute. I am one of the primary “shit poster” on this site. And most times it goes very smoothly EXCEPT when I get stuff that is just typed into e-mails! IT IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT ANYTHING CONTRIBUTED TO THIS SITE IS SENT TO ME AS AN “ATTACHMENT”. This prevents me from literally having to re-type and re-format entire entries. If you need more information on how to do this PLEASE contact me and I will be very happy to help you figure it out for whatever computer system you’re working with. It’s a minor effort that helps things run much more smoothly!

3. In addition to all this contribution stuff I have realized over the last few months that not having one consistent e-mail address for contributions is perhaps causing some stuff to fall through the cracks. Because of that I am currently in the process of getting a separate e-mail address entirely for the site which should be able to be utilized within the next week or so. This hopefully will remedy some of the issues with who exactly to send stuff to. In the meantime, my e-mail is clairerevenge@riseup.net and you may send things there. OKAY!

4. One more thing! We’ve experienced some haggling in terms of people wanting us to post their stuff automatically or whatever and in terms of that, we are only two people. And two very busy people. We post as often as we can. No threats PLEASE!

5. This site absolutely will always remain a positive INCLUSIVE place. So duh NO FUCKING BULLSHIT PLEASE! (Though for the most part refraining from a message board has kept that in check so yay!)

That’s pretty much it for tonight and what’s on my mind in terms of the site. PLUS! We always are looking for people to help with larger projects like re-sizing photos and updating archives etc. And I could really use someone to clean out my computer or at least show me how. Okay.

Love,

CVG

Ryan’s column was not an attack on all skinheads. It was a discussion of some of the history of the movement and it was a criticism of specifically RACIST skinheads. So if you’re not a racist skinhead, you have absolutely NOTHING to complain about, and you should be in support of his words. On the other hand… if you are racist this column may have pissed you off. And if that’s the case I don’t really give a fuck other than to say that you are a piece of shit and don’t deserve to belong to any type of community at all, let alone our punk community.

I find it funny that people defend racist skinheads by saying “oh they’re a nice guy etc etc” when really niceness has nothing to do with being racist. It’s usually white males who are doing the defending too, which is funny because they are the last to suffer from any type of racism, so of course they don’t care. And of course racists are probably “nice” to them because they are white.

My problem with skinheads has nothing to do with their physical appearance as skinheads. In fact, I generally get along with skinheads (or anybody for that matter) granted they are not racist, sexist, or homophobic. It’s when people go out of their way to be intolerant to entire groups of people based on something inherent to them that my inner instinct to rally for the disenfranchised comes to the surface. I just can’t ignore it. I don’t defend racist behaviors or inklings or tattoos or t-shirts because I find it absolutely unacceptable and disgusting and disheartening. There is nothing to defend. My “problem” so to speak has more to do with the macho attitude that comes along with many male punks and in Grand Rapids many skinheads. This is undeniable. One needs to only read the responses to Ryan’s column to see that most would rather resort to violence than have an actual discussion about what Ryan was trying to say which (as long as none of the dissenters are RACIST) should offend literally nobody. So the fact that so many want to beat Ryan up and call our house with empty threats leaves me wondering… are they really racists? Or just macho dudes with something to prove? I find it sad that these people would rather fight with those who are a part of their community rather than those who threaten it.

So the bottom line is this: if you’re a racist skinhead you don’t deserve to have my support. If you’re a racist anything you don’t deserve my support. If you’re a non-racist, non -macho skinhead, then the more the merrier. If only all these complainers would just listen to the bands they so supposedly adore they would perhaps pick up on the best Sham 69 lyrics of all time… if only we could get together, then I know we’d live forever. Too bad they all just wanna fight.

Brewing Kombucha Tea

The tea and sugar mixture is a great source of nourishment for all kinds of bacteria and molds, so the cleaner the working area the less chance of contamination. Wash your hands thoroughly before beginning and keep your work area, containers and utensils clean. If you wish, wipe down all your work surfaces, containers, and utensils with plain white vinegar. This will sanitize without introducing any agent that could inhibit the growth of your culture (such as bleach).

If your culture becomes contaminated it is recommended that you start over with a new culture and/or brewing cycle. NEVER TRY TO DRINK KOMBUCHA THAT HAS BEEN CONTAMINATED WITH MOLD OR BUGS! You cannot wash these contaminants off, so when in doubt… throw it out!

The following recipe is for a half gallon of kombucha (I double the recipe to make gallons- cvg)

Heat filtered water (no city water!) to boiling and pour into your kombucha container (preferably GLASS-cvg). Add a tea ball containing 2-4 teaspoons of tea. Remove the tea ball after about 10 minutes. Cover the container and let the tea cool through the day or overnight to ensure the liquid is at room temperature when you add the mushroom and starter culture. A good tip is to set out the starter culture you intend to use at the same time you brew the tea so they will be at equal temperatures when you mix them together. This prevents stressing the culture and possibly killing it off.

When the tea is cool, stir in:

One cup organic sugar

One pinch of sea salt

… Make sure sugar and salt are completely dissolved then add:

One cup of already finished kombucha tea.

Then place the kombucha mother on top of the brew. Make sure there is room between the mother and the top of the container. Cover the container with a tightly woven cloth to keep bugs and contaminants out and place it in a WARM SPOT OUT OF DIRECT SUNLIGHT. Let your kombucha ferment for about 7-9 days (Note: the longer it ferments, the “fizzier” it will become, I let mine ferment for about 14 days, some allow theirs to ferment up to 30 days-cvg). Don’t forget to save at least a cup of your finished brew to start your next batch with. Keep your finished brew covered and in the refrigerator. This will slow down the fermentation and keep your kombucha tasting sparkly and yummy instead of vinegary.

Tips and FAQs

1. Always use the highest quality ingredients you can. Organic tea, sugar, and sea salt full of minerals ensure that you are providing the best environment for your culture to grow in.
2. Clean Clean Clean! Keep everything you use to brew your tea and the area you work in spic and span. This cuts down the chances that an unwelcome microbe will get introduced into your tea and ruin it.
3. Keep your fermented brew out of the kitchen and away from potted plants, litter boxes, etc. Kitchens contain more mold and bacteria than any other spot in the house. Find a nice out of the way place that stays warm, as close to 80 degrees as you can get. A closet outfitted with a light bulb to provide a small amount of heat is one idea.
4. Never use honey, agave, maple sugar, fruit sugars, or maple syrup. Honey is especially antibacterial and will kill off your culture. Kombucha grows best on a diet of straight glucose which is best provided by plain white sugar.
5. Use only glass containers to brew your kombucha. The acids present can leech out harmful substances from plastic containers, posing a potential health risk.
6. NO SMOKING. The chemicals in tobacco smoke are harmful to the kombucha culture and will kill it.

Kombucha and Herbal Teas

Traditional kombucha was made using black tea and it is best for the least troublesome brewing. However, some people prefer a beverage without any caffeine and others would like to add the health benefits of herbs to their kombucha. One simple way to reduce the caffeine content in your tea is the pre-steep the tea you intend to use for 30-60 seconds in a different container of boiling hot water. Close to 80% of the caffeine in tea extracts in this time. Then simply proceed with the recipe steps.

If you wish to use herbal tea beware that it is the presence of volatile oils in certain herbs that can be a problem. If you want to add the benefits of these herbs to your kombucha add them separately, after you have finished the brewing cycle and removed your mother and the starter culture you will need for your next batch.

Problem herbs include but are not limited to:

Sage, Peppermint, St. John’s Wort, Cinnamon, Ginger, Chamomile, and any member of the pepper family.

Some herbs do work well for BREWING kombucha and should present no problem:

Blackberry leaf, Raspberry leaf, Chicory, Club Moss, Dandelion, Elder Flowers, Fennel, Hibiscus Flowers, Nettle, Oat Straw, Rooibus, Plantain, Rose hip, Yerba Mate’, and Valerian.

*Use about 1/3 herbs and 2/3 tea.

Okay that’s all for this month. Check back next month for more information about common problems with brewing kombucha as well as a brief history of the tea.